Don't Date a Girl Who Teaches
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2013
I stumbled across this sweet, darling blog post by another blogger entitled "Date a Girl Who Teaches". It lists examples of traits common to teachers and explains why they would be desirable to men. Here's one:
It is easy enough to date a girl who teaches. She won’t want expensive gifts; you can buy storybook for her birthday, flowers for Teacher’s day, craft punchers for Christmas. You can buy her anything but please spare her with coffee mugs; she has lots from her students.
I read the post, then immediately began writing my own version. Friends, I give you:
Don't Date a Girl Who Teaches
Let's say you meet a girl. She's cute, fun, and when you ask her what she does for a living, she replies, smiling, "I'm a teacher." You probably jump to some positive conclusions about this girl. She must be extremely patient and have the kindness of a Mother Theresa/lamb hybrid. You might even picture stock images of teachers, laughing as they point to vowels in a workbook, or smiling triumphantly as little Johnny correctly identifies Macedonia on a map of the world. You think about movies and TV shows you've seen where teachers like Hilary Swank, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Zooey Deschanel charm the socks off their students, overcome seemingly insurmountable odds, and manage to do it all while looking awesome.
Well, I'm here to tell you to snap out of it. Here's what you're really in for.
She will speak to you as if you're a student when you're wrong in an argument (and probably if you're right, too).
She's highly trained in the art of keeping her cool in an argument, and one of those ways of keeping cool is delivering some of the most mind-blowingly annoying one-liners on the planet. For example:
"Let me know when you're ready to take responsibility for your actions."
"Use your words."
"Was that a good choice?"
These statements and questions, disguised as innocuous, even gentle hints, are designed specifically to make you want to set yourself on fire.
She will go hours without responding to your telecommunication attempts, often without explanation.
If you're one of those people who expects to hear back when you text or call someone, you should probably steer clear of teachers. I know that personally, from about 10:30 PM to 5:30 PM the next day, it's a complete crapshoot whether I will reply at all, let alone promptly.
She has a near-perfect BS detector.
You will get away with nothing.
You thought PMS was bad? Try PEGPS.
PEGPS stands for Pre End-of-Grading-Period Syndrome, the period of time before grades are due for report cards. Like PMS, PEGPS is characterized by extreme irritability, poor nutritional choices, and zombie-like fatigue. However, unlike PMS, PEGPS lasts for 2-3 WEEKS and happens four to six times per YEAR.
And when PEGPS overlaps with PMS, you'd better get the hell out of Dodge, my friend.
She will bring home every strain of every airborne disease within a 25-mile radius.
Hope your immune system's perfect.
She will compare all your problems/accomplishments to the papers she has to grade.
"Honey, I just qualified for the Boston Marathon!"
"Oh, please. I just graded 180 persuasive essays in one weekend."
"That was my mom on the phone. They just put my childhood dog down."
"You think that's depressing? Look at these literary analyses they turned in. Five weeks on this unit and they still can't come up with a decent thesis!"
She won't be able to see you ever, especially during DEVOLSON.
And if she is available, she will only want to watch a mindless movie at home in perfect silence.
If you decide to take her anywhere directly after work, just know that it will seem to others as if you are escorting around a cardigan-wearing, homeless witch with unexplainable stray marker/pen marks from wrist to elbow.
Fellas, let me save you some trouble. If you're in a bar and you see a woman in flats and a cardigan with an oversized shoulder tote asking about discounts, stay away.
Stay very far away.